Notes on the everlasting

It was a few months back when the idea of creating a piece of writing titled “Stop when you can” took over my imagination. Before you dare to think that is an original idea for me to come up with, let me stop you right there.

There is a line in the movie “Candy” said by Geoffrey Rush’s character, “Carper”, that says: “When you can stop, you don’t want to. When you want to stop, you can’t.” He’s referencing the two lovers’ spiral down opiod addiction. I like to think of the first sentence I named as my own twist of the quote.

I should start with the beginning.Lucien Carr describes my feelings about this quite accurately:“I love first times. I want my whole life to be composed of them.,Who doesn’t love a good, concrete solid, foundation? Regardless of its imminent degeneration. In the Velvet Underground track “Rock and Roll”, Lou Reed depicts a character whose life was saved by the homonymic music genre. That’s how it all started for me. “Rock and Roll suicide” by David Bowie saved me more than once or twice. “Sonic Reducer” by the Dead Boys had a stellar role in reclaiming my own guts and value. “Society makes me sad” by Johnny Thunders made me feel I was not just a lone wolf. ” Blank Generation” by Richard Hell became my n°1 party anthem. My teenage years went by locked inside my room immerse in this parallel universe that would welcome me and embrace me as I am. I found for the first time ever a sense of belonging.

I am not ashamed to say that I was, with no doubt, a loner. I still am to this day though it came to be a big strain at the time. A heavy load for the highly sensitive, anxious, and self-concious child I was. I commanded myself to develop a thick skin, I said I didn’t care, I stood strong and defying against my pairs. Deep down I was falling to pieces. Because I knew that in spite of the perks of being different, being normal was way easier, less complicated and much less painful.

Sadly, normal was never my thing. No matter what I did, what I wore or what I said, nobody would ever see me as such. I knew it, kids at school knew it, my parents, teachers, mentors knew it: I would never fit in. So why even try? To be blunt, the day I stopped trying I felt freedom for the first time. And with freedom came power and, allow me to say, power is the greatest drug of them all. Actively chasing the high (of outdoing everything and everyone) can slip into your life ridiculously easily. I decided to let it in. Once I did, I couldn’t stop.

The gap that grows between our lives
The gap our parents never had
Stop those thoughts, control your mind
Replace the things that you despise

The Everlasting
Song by Manic Street Preachers